Call me a sadist, but sometimes I get a huge amount of pleasure from the misfortunes of others. I mean, why do any of us read problem pages? We don’t really want the problem “solved”; we like wallowing in the wretchedness of others. Particularly sexually. No one cares about people having a good time. What we really want are premature ejaculators with herpes.
It is in this spirit that I am delighted to come across a problem that I have never suffered from and am unlikely to encounter: “diet face”.
Last week, the broadcaster Jenni Murray said she was content not to lose any more weight, having lost 25kg (4st) after a sleeve gastrectomy, because she didn’t want her face to collapse like Nigel Lawson’s. So diet face – people getting skinny in middle age and then looking gaunt and aged – is a thing! Obviously, it is more of a thing for women, because everything is. Cosmetic surgeons, those doctors of insecurity, talk of gravitational descent, eyebrow deflation, jowling and neck laxity. Nice.
The actor Courteney Cox once said: “In Hollywood, to get your bottom half to be the right size, your face may have to be a little gaunt.” Or, as the adage has it, at some stage you have to choose between your face and your arse. But don’t worry, because none of us need to look like skulls on sticks thanks to fillers, which can replace your lost subcutaneous fat. You can inject all sorts of stuff into your face, as well as doing something called a “micro-fat transfer” .
This really is modern womanhood: starve yourself stupid and work out every goddamned minute so that you can stay young-looking – but don’t forget to spend a fortune plumping up your caved-in face.
Or here’s an idea: chips.
Suzanne Moore is a Guardian columnist